The past few months have been hard, harder than than most months I’ve had to struggle through over the decade or so. I don’t really have an reason or particular event that’s triggered it. Actually, I’ve experienced heartbreak, despair and depression that’s been so much more intense; yet, it seems like these few months have a different quality about them: harder yet less intense. There’s an apathy I am experiencing that was never there before. At least before I felt pain. It’s las if the pain I feel has numbed me to the point if simply not caring anymore.
My father asked me today if my boyfriend of six and a half years was ever going to ask me to marry him. I told him “no.” I told him that he would never marry me and that he was very clear about that right from the beginning…. the relationship isn’t going to last and I will be alone. My father is also heartbroken – when I hurt, he hurts – but he expresses it differently now. We share our pain and he sits with his… and I with mine.
I have been working on being comfortable being alone for the past few months. Maybe that’s where my apathy is coming from. It’s hard to feel connected in isolation.