My Heart is Broken…

Merciful

I was hurt by a friend today but I can’t really blame her; I am sure I have hurt her too. I’ve been stressed with an overburdened workload along with the pressure of completing my master’s degree and I tend to become self-centred and I take out my frustrations and anxieties on the people around me (the closer they are, the harder the impact). I am also feeling the outside pressure from people in my community who are not always so gracious. I find the political part of my job to be too much to carry, especially when I am feeling alone and isolated. I feel like a failure as a friend.

I hurt my daughters today…. I am not proud of who I have become these past few months. I am terrified of failing again: this time the cost will not only be the loss of $25,000.00 from a second failed attempt at a master’s degree, but I will also lose the only two people in my life that love me without pause. I have hurt them the most. I feel like a failure as a mother.

I also know that it’s not all me….
My friend has betrayed me in ways that have compromised my ability to trust. She has runs roughshod over me and then avoids talking to me one on one. I feel slighted and resentful when she brings “backup” with her to tell me what I have done wrong. I remain silent in those instances because I have only the quietness in my mind to guide me.
My daughters have been taking advantage of me without gratitude or appreciation and no words will bring them to understand how hurt I am when they drain every last bit of energy from me and then demand more…

I am not sure where they end and I begin. Lately, I have felt trapped in a vortex of negativity. It is weighing me down and I am finding it impossible to pull myself free. Nothing is funny anymore; I don’t care about anything (I will use that demonstrative language right now even though I know it’s not completely true); no one seems to matter either. I just want to be left alone: even though it feels lonely being here,  it’s more comforting than being with others.

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